Holiday Greetings

This is just too good to pass up.

Click here: http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf

Enough already!

It has really NOT been the best week I have ever had. Let me recap...

Fri, Dec 1 - nasty snowstorm. Arrived at work, cancelled the day from noon on. No one in their right mind should be out in this weather. Went home at noon. To the hospital at 4:00, since Alicia (new midwife) thought the grand multip would deliver within an hour. Slight miscalculation, she delivered at 2 am. I got to spend 10 hours in a small room with someone who knows everything and everyone. Just shoot me.

Sat. Lost my check/debit card. Cancelled it, and had to wait till Mon. to order a new one.

Mon. It will take 2 full weeks to get a new debit card. Now how am I supposed to shop for Christmas??? Ethan called to report he was fired.

Tues - short lunch hour, drove through Beefa-roo with Deb. Got back to the office to find our order was screwed up, and instead of her chicken strips and fries and my turkey wrap, we had one cheeseburger and fries, which we ended up splitting. Good grief.

Thurs - kids left for Virginia. God help me. Mom "cooked". A term I am using loosely, very loosely. Menu: Spaghetti sauce (sans pasta of any sort), a sweet potato, 1/2 artichoke and a bowl of lettuce. Aside from the fact that sauce is generally NOT served without pasta, the combination of things was too wierd for words. The

trash people throwing all of my trash cans in the drainage ditch in front of the house. I retrieved 3 of them, but Erik had to wade in after #4. Damn trash people. They were less than nice when I called to complain.

I called Ellie and told her she needed to hurry up and come for the holiday, as someone was going to be dead--either me, from shooting myself, or Mom, because I lost it and shot her.

Fri - took Mom to hobby lobby. Got a $250 ticket for parking in the handicapped spot and not hanging my tag up. I will have to appeal this one. Things are looking up, Ethan has a new job, working for the legal department of a Title Company. And he still gets to come for Christmas.

OK, time for a new week.

An Ode to Thanksgiving

Was the night of "Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep,
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned--The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey, and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling, so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed throught the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I maanged to yell as I soared past the tress...
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

Courtesy of someone who emailed this to me, no author mentioned.
:)

OK, what I really did on vacation...

Saturday - took Mom to the hairdresser
Sunday - Can't remember
Monday - Had my knees shot with cortisone (OH, that felt goooood), went to the spa, had a facial, manicure, pedicure and massage. Had a terrible headache from the massage, my neck is a mess.
Tuesday - Took Mom to the doctor
Wedesnday - Took Mom to the foot doctor, took Harley to get "Tuetered, no I mean, Neutered"
Thursday - Took Eunice to Doctor, went to Cherry Valley Library.
Friday - Took Brisco to the Doctor, went to the Apple Orchard.
Saturday - Took Mom to the hairdresser
Sunday - Got my hair cut and colored.

There seems to be a theme here--Everyone went to the doctor this week. I spent a lot of time in the car. And I did get to sleep, and the pager is turned completely off.

We'll see when the next vacation is--the week before Christmas.
I wonder how many punch in/out I'll forget this week. How ridiculous.

What I did on my Summer Vacation

Went in search of a few good men.

Couldn't find any, so purchased chocolate instead.

Left them at the office for colleagues so they wouldn't forget me.

:)

Phobias, revisited

Someone asked me about what the exact term for fear of hairy moles is, and so I have done some research.
To the best of my determinations, it is

Chaetophobia (fear of hair) PLUS Dermatophobia (Fear of Moles/skin lesions), so in other words:

Chaetodermatophobia.

There you go, Jim, that one is just for you....
:)

The Twenty Most Popular Fears--Just in Time for Halloween

Are you phobic??

Here is a list of the 20 most popular fears:
Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13, or Friday the 13th
Acrophobia -fear of heights
Agoraphobia -fear of open spaces, the out of doors
Xenophobia -fear of strangers
Arachnophobia -fear of spiders
Heliophobia -faer of the sun
Pteromerhanophobia -fear of flying/airplanes
Necrophobia -fear of death
Claustrophobia -fear of small/confined spaces
Homophobia -fear of gay/homosexual people
Hydrophobia -fear of water
Photophobia -fear of light
Islamophobia -fear of Islam/Muslims
Coulrophobia -Fear of clowns
Glossophobia -fear of public speaking
Aichmophobia -fear of needles
Ophidiophobia -fear ofsnakes
Selachophobia -fear of sharks
Emetophobia -fear of vomiting
Arachibutyrophobia -fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth

OK, so, what are YOU afraid of ? Hairy Moles?

A Disturbing Finding

When we adopted Harley (see picture below) I filled out an adoption application which asked numerous questions, directed toward seeing if I would be a fit cat owner. One of the questions was, "what will you feed the cat?" (I resisted the urge to write "anything he wants" or "large, fat mice".) I filled in the blank with what I thought would be a good answer: Science Diet.

I have fed my animals Science Diet for the last 15 years, and had been pretty satisfied--it's pricey, but I thought I was doing the best for my animals--they are worth it. The lady at the Shelter proceeded to tell me I might want to re-think that, since the Science Diet company had recently been purchased by Colgate Palmolive and had drastically changed their ingredients. She encouraged me to check the Science Diet web site and see for myself. And she encouraged me to purchase the Canidae/Felidae foods they have available there.

I was skeptical, I confess, but I went home and started doing some research. Turns out she's right. The EXPENSIVE Science Diet foods that I have been feeding my dogs are 45% peanut hulls. PEANUT HULLS!!!
I was horrified!

I emailed the consumer services people at Science Diet, expressing my distress. And you won't believe what they wrote back--"Peanut hulls are a tasty, nutritious filler" and assured me they only use "human quality" peanut hulls.

I have lived on this earth for nearly 54 years, and NEVER have I considered a peanut hull "tasty" or "human quality". No dog or person in their right mind would intentionally eat a PEANUT HULL. What kind of an idiot do they think I am???

I immediately forwarded the email to everyone I know with animals, and I decided to NEVER feed my animals that crap again. I feel just awful knowing that I have been feeding my poor puppies PEANUT HULLS for years now. It's a miracle they even wag their tails at me at all.

I am SO MUCH happier with the new food. The DOGS are so much happier.

Just goes to show, we need to do our research.

Mammahead Report

Sorry about that, had a little hiccup.

I am enjoying my new car. I went and ordered special heavy duty floor mats, to guard against snow and salt. I am sure bad weather will be coming....

This has been a long, long day, but I can't go into it here. I am investing in a large, large bottle of exedrin for work. That, and I will be writing scrips for Valium with reckless abandon.

Everything will be all right.
Everything WILL be all right.
Everything will BE all right.
Everything will be ALL right.
Everything will be all RIGHT.
EVERYTHING will be all right.

This, too, shall pass. (Right now it feels like gall stones, however....)

Mammahead Report

Mammahead Report

Oh, boy, what a week....

Well, following the flood, I rented a perfectly awful Kia Rio (allegedly a "full size" car, what a joke) and spent the week trying to recuperate from the trauma. On Saturday, we went car shopping. I looked at a Ford Escape, not comfortable; a Honda CRV, also not comfortable, with the shift stick on the dash board??...Wierd! And finally a 2007 Saturn Vue, which was comfortable, priced right and very nice. I bought that--now I only have to pay for it forever, but it is very nice. I love the fact that it has "ON STAR" with a built in phone. It is SO cool. I just love it.
I haven't named it yet...I never did name the Taurus. Oh well, maybe something creative will come to me...

The Newest Family member

Welcome Harley. Named because his motor is always running, purr, purr, purr.

Ascent to Heaven via Drowning

I have lost a dear friend. My 1998 Red Ford Taurus passed on to the great junkyard in the sky (on to her next molecular calling) last Monday. She died a quick but brave death, by drowning. She was happily carrying me back from a delivery when she was caught in a flash flood, and drowned at about 3800 E. State Street. Torrential rains caused sudden flooding, and a 3 foot wall of water engulfed us as we tried to make our way home. She coughed and sputtered, and died. After she was pushed from the raging waters by a brave fireman, she tried to start, but could not cough enough of the water out of her engine to do so. She was pronounced dead by the mechanics at Butitta Brothers, and State Farm is paying for her memorial service.

She had a good life, and travelled to many places, inclulding Niagra Falls, Massachusetts, and Virginia. She was born in Kansas and passed on in Illinois. She was a dependable friend, always ready to take a quick trip anywhere. She saw me through a divorce, 3 houses, kids graduating college, and Midwifery School. She will always be remembered as a wonderful member of my family.

God Bless my Taurus. May she ascend to Car Heaven and live with a full tank of premium gas, a warm garage and a top-of-the-line wash and wax every other day.

Oh, no, what have I done....

Anyone with a head (heart) as soft as mine should simply stay away from places like animal shelters, orphanages, Salvation Army buckets, etc. I am such a sucker.

This all started because Mom didn't want to make a memorial donation for my cousin who just died to the Gay group in LA that he had been involved with. She just wasn't comfortable supporting them. Well, it's her money, and she can be a bigot if she wants to be. So I suggested she make a contribution to something SHE felt was worthwhile, like the animal shelter or ASPCA or something, starving children in China, whatever. She decided that was a good idea, and told Aunt Dottie that was what she intended to do, which I guess met with her approval. At any rate, today, before the hairdresser, off we went to the animal shelter to make a donation.

OK, so could YOU go to the animal shelter and NOT look at the animals?? If so, you are a stronger person than me. I had to look. And there were so many cute, homeless kitties. Puppies too, but considering I have two of them already, I spent my time with the kitties.

There was this perfectly adorable one, all black with white boots who kept reaching through the bars of his tiny cage to me. It broke my heart. But then I took him out and all he wanted to do was bite and scratch. (That won't do).

So we left, went to the hairdresser, and then home. As I drove down the street closer and closer to home, I could see the poor little kitties crying, and I caved. I turned the car around and back we went. We held numerous kitties and finally settled on a gray tiger/tabby about 6 months old. It's a boy. As yet, un-named.

I pick him up on Monday. With the EXPRESS understanding he will NEVER go outdoors. I am now entertaining suggestions for names for a sweet gray tiger/tabby with green eyes, boy names, please.

Oh, what have I done.

OK, Pam, I know

Ok Pam, I know you are right. Thanks for bringing me back to earth.
Everything is going to be all right.
Everything is going to be all right.
Everything is going to be all right.
Maybe if I say it long enough, I'll really believe it.

It's Been a Hard Day's Night

It's been a hard day's night
Seems I am channeling an old Beatles song. Everytime Pam goes away, I seem to get the crap beat out of me. I am incredibly tired. I did not sleep on Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday night or Wednesday night. Finally, I thought I would get to sleep on Thursday, but I had to get Mom to the hospital. I did sleep for about 4 hours that night. Friday night, I was in my own bed all night, but did not sleep. Brisco is perfectly happy to sleep in my bed. How a small dog can take up so much space, I will NEVER understand, but he does. He likes to sleep crossways on the pillows. Xena on the other hand, HATES to share her bed with him. She doesn't mind Teddy nearly so much, but Brisco, she absolutely HATES to share the bed with. She jumps off, then on, then off again. She stands on the bed and glowers at him. I place myself in the middles and she settles down, but that means I am not particularly comfortable. If I put Brisco on the floor, or in Mom's room in her chair or on the bed, he cries, barks and will not stay there. So, I become a human fence between the two of them. Add to that the 14 pages I got last night....Yes, I do not exaggerate. Fourteen. I hope Pam has had a nice vacation. Because I don't think I will ever allow her to leave, ever again. EVER. Aside from the fact that I miss her terribly (no one understands what I talk about in quite the same way), I don't think I could ever do this solo practice stuff again. I am too old, too tired, and too stressed. I started my day today with patients in two of the 3 local hospitals, rushed to one when the night shift nurse told me the patient was 9, alas, when I arrived she was really 4. Slight difference. I really needed to be at the OTHER hospital, where Mom was and where the other patient was as well. I came back and waited, waited, waited for her doc to make rounds, alas, he did not. I had to leave again, because this time the patient across town really WAS 9. She, thank the Lord, had a lovely little girl, who although she had only shown us clear fluid, turned it green while she was pushing. Then back across town again, Mom could be dismissed and she was chomping at the bit to get home. So I took her home, then back to the hosp again for the final (I pray) patient to deliver. This one will take some patience, too. 15 yrs old. Oh my.Everything is going to be all right.Everything is going to be all right.EVERYTHING is going to be all right.If I could only sleep for about 3 days.....

Dining Delights, No, REALLY

Wow, I forgot what real home-cooked food tastes like. Having Eunice here is like having died and gone to cooking heaven. We have a weekly menu. I get to suggest what I would like to eat. I don't have to eat expired food anymore. We cleaned out the fridge AND the freezer, thank God. It's wonderful. I have had fajitas, stir fry, roast that's not like shoe leather. No more freezerburned items, it's amazing.
Thank you Eunice, Thankyou, THANKYOU!

The further adventures of Clyde and Clara

Clyde and Clara are Karen's cats, whom I have described before in my writings. Well, Karen left for Michigan last Wednesday, and I have been cat-sitting again. I thought things were going very well, Clyde is always glad to see me, Clara is neurotic as usual. Until yesterday.

Clyde, who usually greets me at the door, was nowhere to be found yesterday morning. I could hear him meowing, but could not see him. I finally found him under the ottoman, when I moved it, there he was. I said, "Oh, poor Clyde, were you stuck there? (he wasn't)" and I reached down to pet him, and he attacked my hand, scratched up my arm and bit me! I retrieved my bleeding limb, and thought, FOR GOODNESS SAKE What is wrong with him.

I went upstairs, gave him fresh food and water, cleaned his litter box, did the same for Clara(who, by the way, was quite happy to see me), and started back down the stairs, and there was Clyde again, about 3/4 of the way down the stairs, back arched, hissing looking like Satan re-incarnated. I stepped closer, and he attacked my foot, which fortunately had on a sturdy New Balance sneaker, and pushed him down a step. He hissed and tried again.

I decided to "channel" the dog whisperer, and thinking more like a cat whisperer, I hissed back at him and stomped my feet on the stairs. It worked. He ran.

What the heck got into him.

I took my bloody arm home, washed it well with soap and water, treated it with antibiotic cream and a couple of bandaids. Hopefully I won't turn into a were-cat or get some sort of pasturella infection. Damn thing. That's the last time I cat sit for them!

My Dog Needs a Bath

What is it about dogs that makes them love to roll in stinky stuff?

I don't know what Xena has been into, but, Lord Almighty, does it ever stink.
Have you ever thought about the logistics of trying to bathe a 75 lb. doberman who does NOT want to be bathed? Right.......

The Oracle of Starbucks

This is evidently what they think of my perpetual order of a venti peppermint mocha.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:
Personality type: Clueless
You don't go to Starbucks much; when you do you just tag along with other people since you have nothing better to do. You would like to order a Tazo Chai Crème but don't know how to pronounce it. Most people who drink Venti peppermint mocha are strippers.
Also drinks: Wine coolers
Can also be found at: The mall

Hmmmm. I think they missed the mark on that one....