In My Thoughts

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Serious stuff.

I have been thinking about my life and career. I really love being a midwife, being a part of new families, bringing joy into the world. But it is taking a toll on me on a personal level.

I am having trouble controlling my blood sugars. I went back on Atkins just after the 1st of the year. I have lost about 10 lbs, but, even on meds, my fasting blood sugars are still 160, and they should be 90 or less. During the day and my after meal numbers aren't so bad, but that fasting number really sucks. I haven't been able to afford my high blood pressure meds, so I haven't even taken it in months. I just don't want to know what it is. I know that has to stop, I'm going to have a stroke! My knees are killing me all the time, and I desperately need two knee replacements, but with our health insurance at work, the approximate cost would be about $5K apiece, which is ridiculous. To say nothing of the fact that I doubt I would be able to get any time off to do it. Standing for a C/Section about kills me. I did a very difficult one with KZ in December, we worked for an hour and 40 min, and by the time we finished, I couldn't feel my left leg from the hip to the floor. That would be a back issue, what with the 5 herniated discs that I have. My job is physically demanding, and although I love it, I don't think I will be able to do this for another 13 years till retirement.

Ahh, which brings me to retirement, and the fact that I have NONE. According to Social Security, if I work till I'm 66, I'll get just under $2K/month. Hmmm, by then, will I be able to survive on that?? Doubtful.

Then there's the fact that I have not have a raise in 4 years. They were generous the 1st year I was here, and then it stopped. Not that I don't make good money, I do. But some sort of recognition would really be nice.

And then there's the Mole. I positively hate working with the Mole. If this is what my boss wants, perhaps I don't belong here any more.

I really have to think about what to do here. My life may depend on it.

I like Rockford. It's better now that E & E are here, much easier for me. They do so much to make my life better, and I love them for it. I like my house, it's very comfortable, the yard is lovely, the dogs like it. But I just don't know.

This has been bugging me for nearly 6 months now. I have to make some sort of a decision soon. No decision is, in it's own way, a decision to continue in the current path.

I am so lucky to have a supportive family. They all say, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. They are truly the best.

I think of my wonderful friend and partner Pam. What would this mean to her if I changed jobs? Would she follow suit and leave too? I know she would give most anything to be closer to her kids in Omaha, and who on earth could blame her for that?What would it mean to midwifery in Rockford? Would it mean the end of midwives in Rockford. I would hate for that to happen. What would it do to Jodi? What would it mean to her practice? I feel obliged to consider these things.

See what I mean, I have a lot on my mind.